Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Just kind of maintaining at work right now. I spent a couple hours yesterday doing menial tasks for the captain. Honestly, it was all BS busy-work. I hate that kind of crap. I didn't really have any other options though, so I sat down and did the stuff I was tasked with.

While I was working away, I was able to listen in while someone reviewed 911 tapes of critical calls. It's really neat to listen to that stuff when you're not used to ever hearing it. I'm not officially trained on the CAD, and I'm certainly not familiar with the protocol cards for medical 911 calls, but even I knew what questions should be asked when. Like I said, it was neat to hear the tapes when you never get that opportunity.

The past few days, I've been really making an effort to learn the dispatcher's names. Well, more like their last names, because that's what shows up in the field. I want to be able to recognize the people I've become friends with for when I go back out onto the streets. And yes, I'll admit I like some more than others, but I'm getting along fine with everyone.


In other news...

I think I've finally finished running the gambit of emotions associated with my accident.

I was scared shitless when it happened and for the first few days.

I started getting mad on the 3rd or 4th day I think. Mad at the driver for not setting the TPM or watching the pressure better. Mad at my captain for not backing me on the line, even though I know it wasn't really necessary. Mad at myself for not being better prepared for a pressure spike.

Then I started feeling helpless and hating myself. I realized there was absolutely nothing I could've done differently to prevent my accident. The pain I dealt with, even while medicated, made me want to just cry. I hate pills, I hate taking pills. I suddenly realized I was watching the clock until my next dose. I turned into a pill-popper in my mind, and even though it helped with the pain, I still hate myself for it a bit. I finally had a complete breakdown. I sat, and I cried. I cried like a little bitch, but afterwards, I felt better and was still upset, but able to live with myself.

Finally, I've started to heal, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm finally at the point where I can turn my head, touch my chin to my chest, and do all the other things I only dreamed of a few weeks ago. I still have a knot of tensed muscles on the right side of my neck. In 12 short hours I'll be at my physical therapy appointment. I'm both looking forward to it, and scared to death all over again. I don't know what they'll do to me. The dr originally mentioned massage and traction. I'm not so sure about the traction part, but the massage sounds heavenly. I guess the ultimate question is will they be able to work out the knot, and will I hurt again because of whatever they do?

I want nothing more than to get back on the streets, back to my normal work-week. I've just got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't be allowed back to work until the knot is gone.

Getting to work at radio/911 has been a blast and no matter what happens, I'm really glad I was afforded the opportunity, I just want my life to get back to normal. Well, as normal as it was before the accident.

More than anything else, I need to get out of my house again. I've been either in so much pain/medicated and unable to drive, or just feeling sorry for myself and haven't really gone anywhere other than work. I've been afraid to go ride my horse because of my neck and I really miss him right now. I *was* trying to finally get myself motivated to run on a regular basis, but again, haven't because of my neck. The last thing I wanna do is aggravate this injury before it can heal all the way.

I'll try to relay some funny stuff next time I post. I don't really like being so serious all the time. I'd rather be watching Jeff Dunham or having another quoting war with one of the dispatchers. I finally found someone who can match me with Full Metal Jacket AND Major Payne quotes. Dear god it was hilarious.

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