While I can't say I miss sitting down to try and write out stories to share, I do miss reading all the other blogs I've followed over the years. It's kind of amazing, looking around now, seeing who has gone silent, taken a hiatus, or made it big. I'll be continuing to play catch-up over the next few weeks and apologize if some of you start seeing my comments on older posts.
I just lost the muse. I'm not really certain if I'll ever get it back. I love sharing the stories from work but having to filter everything for the sake of anonymity gets tiring. I'd love to just be myself and tell a story as it is, link directly to media articles and pictures, things like that. I just, can't.
I will, however, post this update.
A lot has happened in the past couple of years. I've been on a few transfer lists, once to balance staffing for specialty units, once to improve my personal situation, and once for staffing drivers. I'm finally at a station where I'm happy. We don't have quite the call volume I'd prefer but my crew is phenomenal. It only took 10+ years to find a crew that doesn't care about my gender. I'm not giving that up until they make me. We laugh every single shift, sometimes until we hurt from it.
There have been some minor changes in my personal life, mostly new hobbies. I still have my horse and he's doing fantastic. We'll hopefully be doing a lot of trail riding this summer/fall. I have 2 amazing cats that keep me amused during the day and curl up on the bed at night. I've been camping (I can't wait to go more often once it warms up). I've gone full retard for a certain MMO I always swore I'd never play.
I've been through a lot that I can't share here without giving myself away. Just know that even though I've been through a lot of stress and hardship, I'm trying to keep my chin up through it all. It's certainly not easy but I'm doing my best. I have 1 close friend that has been my rock the past few years and I don't know what I'd do without them.
Things have been interesting the past few months. I can't say I'm happy with everything, but I am surviving.
The calls at work have ranged from average, to news-worthy. I've been running everything from the daily BS, to large fires, to shootings, to officer-involved incidents. Nothing is sacred. Not for the fine folks that call 911 for non-emergent reasons.
I'm still enjoying my station assignment. With the exception of the one person I've posted about already (see my post about losing respect) I really enjoy the company of my guys. We mesh very well, we work together very well. We just happen to have a leader that doesn't listen to us.
There are so many calls I want to share but fear losing my anonymity or my cool. Mom always said to keep my mouth shut if I didn't have anything nice to say. Lately, I have to stand by that bit of advice more and more.
Have I mentioned that I hate having to censor myself?
Nevertheless, I'm alive, I'm doing ok, and I'm still reading other blogs occasionally.
As usual, I've been neglecting this blog. I've been neglecting talking about work in general to be honest.
There have been more changes in my department, and in my own station. Most have been for the better.
We now have a cohort of mine from the academy, and I'm seriously pleased with this turn of events in every way but 1. He has a little seniority on me and I've been rolled a small step back down the seniority ladder in-house. I'm still driving almost every shift, just not always on my first rig of choice.
We've run some very interesting calls that I'm afraid writing about will give away who I am/where I work/etc. These calls weren't exactly newsworthy, but they were the talk around the houses.
Most of my ambulance shifts I'm paired with a medic that prefers to tech all the calls, so I don't have much I can report on there either.
Trust is a strange beast. It can be earned over time, demanded in extreme moments, and it's hard to build. And yet trust is fragile.
The job of a firefighter, EMT, or Medic comes with a heavy dose of trust. You have to trust the guys around you to not only know what the right thing to do is, but to actually do it. It doesn't matter if you're pulling a line into a raging house fire or guiding the guys carrying the stairchair. You have to trust them to be there and not lead you astray.
Trust can be shattered easily, and like a precious piece of china, it's never quite the same once it's been broken.
By design or necessity, we have to trust our leaders, have faith in them, respect the rank (if not the person as well).
Recently, my leader shattered my trust completely. It was a simple act, so simple it seems quite stupid. I'd fueled the truck and he was helping me get turned around. It was dusk and he was using what I call "flapping fingers" instead of a proper hand signal. I made it known that I couldn't see his signals clearly.
In front of the station, he used the same flapping fingers gesture and backed me into a curb before blaming me in front of the whole crew. The trust was shattered right then and there.
I've been on the fence about this captain since he was moved here. He's recently promoted and has done so many things in his short time here that I truly question many of his actions daily. It's as if he can't draw the line between leader and friend. We have too many rookies here to have another friend. We need him to be a leader, a strong leader who can lead by example. We don't need another buddy who never removes his bluetooth and doesn't even notice when the tailboard man has wandered off.
Then again, what do I know? I should have just stopped the truck until he could use the proper signals. Next time, I will. Until then, I'll be damned if I'm going to buy curb cream for hitting a curb I couldn't see while my backer wasn't using the proper signals and never motioned for me to stop.
It will take a long time for me to ever trust him on a personal level again. The first building block of that trust would be owning up to the improper hand signals or apologizing for a callout in front of the whole crew. Captain or not, I'm not holding my breath for either of those.
Yes, it may seem petty to some. I'm still a girl, I'm supposed to be complicated to figure out. Welcome to the mind and thought process of Firelady.
On the job for a few years now, this is just my ramblings about the stupidity and humor that find their way into my life.
Oh, and of course this blog contains my personal opinions and perspective on things, which may not be shared with my place of employment.
Email me at GA_Firelady AT yahoo DOT com